In today’s society, anger is king. Increasing polarization between ideologies has resulted in violence between liberals and conservatives, communists and capitalists, and Browns and Steelers fans. Two million years ago, when the Congo River divided the geographical region of our ape relatives, Chimpanzees formed a culture North of the Congo that holds a candid mirror to our own conflict-ridden, misogynistic human society. South of the Congo, however, a new species broke from its Northern cousins, to become what we’ve known since 1930 as the Bonobo. It is in the Bonobo that we can find our salvation.
Chimpanzees, known to humans for appearing in videos wherein they eat their own poop, solve problems through violence. When faced with potential danger, or someone cutting them off in traffic, Chimpanzees lash out like Billy Eichner doing street comedy. They bare their teeth, screech loudly, and throttle any potential enemy. Similarly, Chimpanzee governing bodies most closely resemble the 1984 Reagan administration: Led by one overtly cowboy alpha male Chimpanzee, who is the most prolific at beer-chugging, other male Chimpanzees defer to this leader. Lieutenant male Chimpanzees reap the rewards of being a top-tier Chimpanzee, including a private office bathroom.
During tough times, senior male Chimps plunder the jungles while females and lower-status males struggle to survive, left to beg a dented can of navy beans from the miserly antelope down the block. When high-ranking male Chimpanzees are hungry or just feeling their daddy issues, they feast on weaker animals, and readily resort to eating lesser Chimps alongside a fruity Pinot. This scenario parallels the human COVID pandemic of the 2020s when the highest-status human men made billions and dined lustily on rare meats while the working-class starved and turned to opiates to dull their hunger pains. (Because these pacifying drugs are not available to Chimpanzees, depressed low-status Chimpanzees will instead go “goblin-mode” and pen a poorly-received memoir.)
Chimpanzees are highly binary. Male Chimps prefer dominant positions and…problematic scenarios to copulate with females, not unlike a Big 10 fraternity party. Female Chimps “belong” to a male, and to keep them subservient, males engage in vicious domestic abuse at any sign of attempted independence. If a female Chimp is adulterous, her male guardian gives her the old “bang zoom to the moon,” and then complains on TikTok about how withholding all female Chimpanzees are, and how he totally deserves more pussy.
As learned from Chimps, demonizing human women for their sexuality is the essential tool of the male patriarchy to hold women in submission. Oppression of females by males leads female Chimps to compete, exhibiting behaviors such as passing mean notes, starting slutty rumors about other female Chimps, and occasionally sticking gum in their hair. While this behavior is deplorable, it’s a natural result of a society where females must rely on males for their physical safety, food, and shelter, and are thus pitted against one another by said males.
There is another way, demonstrated to us by South-of-the-Congo Bonobos. Despite over 99% similarity in genetic composition, the behaviors of Bonobos differ dramatically from those of Chimpanzees.
First, while meat abounds in Bonobo territory, you will find little carnivorous behavior here. Bonobos choose instead to be compassionate frugivores, which causes less biosphere imbalance and is more effective at maintaining that lithe Bonobo body than Keto. Eating is a social activity; groups of Bonobos meet to share red berries and termites and discuss the second season of White Lotus.
Bonobos have a matriarchal society with little hierarchical difference in power, created through powerful girl bonding. Instead of a few power-hungry male Chimps who write shitty budgets and cut education funding, Bonobo females form a large cooperative, relying on kindness to solve problems. This is, in fact, the most inspiring aspect of Bonobo culture: Using kindness to solve problems, relieve tension, and meet new people. A specific type of kindness. The type of kindness that involves fucking.
Like, a lot of fucking. With everyone. All the time. In every possible position.
Where Chimpanzees solve conflict through domination and general douchebaggery, Bonobos simply fuck each other into peace, with loving so great that everyone leaves satisfied, much like an LL Cool J song. When separate Bonobo groups meet for the first time, there is merely the briefest moment of tension before everyone passes a joint and blends into a fantastic orgy of black fur. Bonobo troupes are therefore highly welcoming, accepting refugees and migrants to their territory because they are flush with the bliss of regular cunnilingus. Bonobos kiss each other on the mouths and engage in same-sex play, as well as scissoring, anal, and doctor-nurse role play. Bonobos make love face-to-face, in contrast to Chimpanzees who just want to bend a bitch over a couch while they watch hockey.
Unlike girl-on-girl competition prevalent in Chimpanzees, female Bonobos form close bonds for friendship, safety, and the occasional flicking of each other's beans. Male Bonobos do not lose out in this culture, rather, they have the opportunity to put their wieners in any female Bonobo they want, up to ten times a day, with no retribution from others.
Imagine a world devoid of domestic abuse, poverty, and war. We have learned from our Bonobo friends that we can create peace simply by allowing women, and everyone, to fuck whoever they want without demonization. Imagine nude lawmakers, supple from their frugivore diet, discussing how best to allocate resources amidst French kissing and nipple flicks. Strangers walking randomly through Central Park meet for a drum circle and a fuck. Americans welcome migrants with open arms - and legs.
Turning to action items based on lessons learned from Bonobos: The few women and non-binary legislators in our society may consider how best to implement Bonoboism. Certainly, transfer from patriarchy to matriarchy will not happen overnight, however, Congresswomen and state leaders can take a hard look at who they might fuck today to build more cooperative governing structures tomorrow. By encouraging much more open sexuality, we can slowly create a world with more compassion, less detriment to Mother Earth, and immeasurably more orgasms. (Multiples, guys.)
Patriotic women citizens can also consider how to have more sex on their own terms, for the greater good of society. Download Feeld and find some consenting adults in your own neighborhood. Volunteer to teach schoolchildren how to put a condom on a banana. Only Fans accounts for all! To further our civilization as one that elevates unity over domination, women can support and rely on each other to create a compassionate world, and fantastically satisfying group sex, because that is the Bonobo way.
