Super great to meet you, Mr. Network Executive! I’m thrilled to pitch you my holiday movie.
As you know, virginity exams have been blowing up since iconic rapper TI announced he requires his daughter to have an annual virginity exam.* A virginity exam occurs when a doctor looks inside a vagina to see if the hymen is intact. You see, some grown adults with no science education whatsoever believe that that if a hymen is intact, the vagina-having-person is a virgin. But if the hymen is bruised, torn, or generally out to lunch: Looks like you’ve got a non-virgin daughter on your hands! Now if THAT isn’t ripe for holiday comedy, I just don’t know what is!
(Ahem, let’s ignore for the moment that any number of non-penile situations can lead to a “broken” hymen, such as tampons, jogging, and well, doing nothing. And that some people are born without hymens. Don’t worry about the science!)
A Very Merry Virginity Exam will be a festive delight, equal parts Love Actually and Orwell’s 1984. Imagine if Hulu’s Handmaid’s Tale did a hilarious Christmas episode! THIS WILL SELL.
Wait, before you shove me out the door, just hear the story line. It’s so much more vivid when you can understand how it will unfold onscreen.
Family man Murph O’ Malley’s daughter Audre recently hit puberty so all the neighborhood’s urchins and rascals are sniffing around. In the opening scene, Ole Murph shames Audre for visible nipples at the family’s Ugly Christmas Sweater party. Totally relatable for any controlling Dad with haunting sexual insecurity issues, right?
Next comes a series of comic hijinks. Ole Murph refuses to let Audre study alone with any boys at school, and hides her reproductive rights pamphlets. After Audre is caught listening to Cardi B, Ole Murph ransacks Audre’s dresser in a violating (and delightfully comic) search of lingerie or sex toys. Finally, on Christmas Eve, a fed-up Murph insists on a virginity exam. He drags Audre to the festive office of gynecologist Dr. Klause, who bears an uncanny resemblance to Kris Kringle himself!
Ok, I see I haven’t quite sold you, but please do not release the dogs on me yet. I need to tell you about sponsorship opportunities. In one scene, Ole Murph buys Audre a chastity belt, which will be custom designed by Hobby Lobby! Think of the free press we’ll get from evangelical groups, reproductive science deniers, and men’s rights forums. We can’t lose!
And…you are releasing the dogs. Funny, I got this same reaction from NBC; I see you both have a preference for rottweilers. What if I told you about the movie’s original title song “Home Is Where the Hymen Is”? Or how in the end, Ole Murph saves Audre from the dastardly clutches of the bisexual experimentation trend? No?
Ok here come the dogs. I’ll just see myself out. Lovely office, thank you for your time, and if you need to find me I’ll be giving a talk at Liberty University next week.
Happy Holidays!
*As of 2024, TI has walked back some of his statements.
Editor’s Note: This piece has been improved by changing some uses of “girl” or “woman” to “person with vagina” or “vagina-having person.”
