Names and identifying details have been changed.
My therapist has long-accused me of using my open relationship as a coping mechanism, an addiction, rather than a healthy outlet for sexual and emotional connection. We’ve tossed around the term “attention addict” quite loosely.
When I started this essay, I asked if she could think of an example when I exhibited addiction to my extramarital relationships.
“Just one?” Therapist asked.
“Like when you found out your dad was dying and you started an affair with a married man from your writing class?”
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I remember the make-out with my married friend, Mike, in the back of the cab after writing class. Having cried too much to wear contacts, I wore glasses, which awkwardly bumped against his each time the cabbie went over a pothole. (North Avenue in March meant many bumps.) I swear the cabbie was playing whack-a-mole with those potholes, as though trying to prevent self-destructive backseat behavior.
“Then there was the time you had a one-night stand with an Australian in the back of that trailer park…” Therapist continued. “Or when you started dating your friend’s ex-boyfriend Mark. Or when you hooked up with that brother and sister from roller derby…”
“I’m good, one example is fine!” I barked.
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I am cultured Irish butter melting on grilled sourdough.
I am Amal Clooney’s freshly folded mulberry silks.
I am new relationship energy.
As I wrote in Marie Claire, new relationship energy (NRE) is the euphoria we experience when we have acknowledged mutual attraction with another individual. While this term emerged in (I think) the poly context, it reflects the emotional and physical feels you get in any new romantic relationship, whether poly or monog. New Relationship Energy (NRE) is bliss. It is equal elements hope and orgasm. If you could bottle NRE, it would be the sweetest ever cocktail of dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin - cut with a hint of adrenaline if you’re nasty. Fuck Oxy, gimme that NRE. Some folks may experience NRE as early as the flirting stage, like I do, while others need to be in a more established situationship to let their guard down and the NRE flow.
NRE is a drug. It affects us because someone new is providing all this evidence that we are great, that they want to connect with us. We’re excited, confident, and we feel a rush of openness toward them. NRE is the antithesis, possibly even the (temporary) cure for crippling social anxiety and self-doubt - at least for me. Thus, NRE can be hella addictive for many folks. If I lost NRE in one place, I went chasing it in the next place, such as trailer parks outside of Austin, TX.
I am oysters chilling in crushed ice atop the Stanley Cup.
I am the last Cheeto quivering in your orange fingers.
I am new relationship energy.
I have a feeling that some folks may be diagnosed as sex addicts when they are actually addicted to the NRE rather than the sex itself. For many of us, new relationships (even one-night relationships) provide a source of validation that we are desperately craving in our lives for any number of reasons: high-achieving anxiety, imposter syndrome, perceived oppression, childhood trauma or just good old plain self-loathing. New Relationship Energy has tanked tons of established relationships, which is why it’s important to understand and work through.
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I am an Australian starlet, newly imported to Hollywood to be adored by dozens of old white male financiers.
I am chicken fat dissolving in the saliva of a rottweiler’s mouth.
I am new relationship energy.
After my husband Dave and I decided to move on from couple-couple sex, described in newsletters 1&2, we opened our inboxes and legs to separate singles. This changed everything. Now I was flirting with, dating, and courting men on my own. This is what I had really wanted, one-on-one intensive attention. The metaphorical dabbing of New Relationship Energy: I wanted it to be highly concentrated; I wanted every moment of my life to feel like the climax of a 90s Julia Roberts rom-com.
So when Dave and I started dating independently, I fell in love with everyone new. Enthralled by the feeling of fresh attention, I wrapped my legs tight around every situationship, whether established through drunk roller derby after-parties, dating app matches, or good old fashioned Craigslist missed connections. I craved the fulfillment of every possible romantic interaction and developed unhealthy attachments to many of the men, who naively believed they were just meeting some married nympho for cheap sex. They were not expecting my relentless, compulsively desperate-for-reassurance texts. GIVE ME A FIX, GODDAMMIT BOY.
Those of us with attachment issues often cling like leeches to someone new who shows us affection, sucking out every drop of validation until they are shriveled husks. Eventually (literally it took years), I realized I didn't want an open relationship for more sex, I wanted an open relationship for more relationship. I needed greater and more frequent validation that I was enough.
I am warm water from a steel faucet gushing over your legs.
I am a Bengal tiger in a Megan Thee Stallion and Cardi B collaboration video.
I am new relationship energy.
Due to shame and fear, I didn’t want to admit how much my extramarital relationships meant to me, how much I needed them to feel good about myself. Folks could understand wanting more sex. If I explained it that way, I was more likely to have empathy. But sex was a red herring for the true goal, NRE. NRE was a fix for most ails, including grief, anxiety, and depression, and its affirming effect on my self-worth became critical.
For the first 10 years or so, I sucked at polyamory because I wasn’t being honest with myself. I wasn’t willing to admit my true emotional needs, so I continued to fill them haphazardly, frantically. I became like a hoarder, but for dudes. Each new trophy proved I was worthy.
Over the years I’ve slowly accepted that I have a lot of emotional needs, and these are reflected in my open relationship interests. Now I can better recognize when I’m trying to substitute NRE for internalized self-confidence. Certainly I still make mistakes and act out of a need to satisfy an emotional hole (or a vaginal one, ba-zing!) but am more rational and giving with my extramarital relationships than I have been in the past. I know the NRE will inevitably go away, and I’m ok with that. (Advice: Reading gobs of Buddhist tenets can also help cultivate non-attachment.)
While attraction and relationships are well-trod areas of research in social psychology, there is a dearth of research on polyamorous relationships. NRE has been studied in monogamous contexts using different language or related concepts - concepts like “attraction” and “infatuation.” Studying these topics in hetero dyads is much more straightforward than studying them in the context of polyamory, because polyamory contexts are so diverse: throuples, swingers, unicorns, etc. etc. etc. In addition, the idea of polyamory as remotely mainstream is pretty new - it’s going to take the research a while to catch up. So while there remain few sources of data for those of us polys wanting to navigate the thrills and chills of new relationship energy, there are some smart people writing about it. Fucking finally.
Jesse Dagger writes a great summary of NRE pitfalls at Poly4us.com. This is really useful to read before you start seeing someone new, or in the throes of a new relationship. A few examples in particular that resonated with me:
When experiencing NRE, you may:
1). Experience jealousy. Because NRE feels so good and we want to keep it, we are more threatened that others may “take” it from us.
2). Feel that NRE will be permanent. It may feel like you’ve found your soulmate within the first week you are dating, but the NRE will always fade. Dagger indicates they feel much happier in relationships that last more than 6 months due to lack of violent ups and downs in the NRE period. “Long-term happiness doesn't come from intense feelings, that would be exhausting.”
3). Feel like you need to find a partner for your partner. I date a lot more than my husband Dave, and that can be particularly hard when I’m jazzed about a new partner. I often feel bad that I’m so excited about someone new, and want him to be equally fulfilled. But polyamory isn’t a contest or defined by “equal” extramarital relationships. Dave isn’t fulfilled by multiple relationships like me; they kind of exhaust him. Your needs are not the same as your partner’s needs.
Other folks may drop existing relationships, ignore red flags, or make commitments they can’t keep while experiencing NRE. NRE is the phase where I give a lot of gifts. I’ve given men humidifiers, grocery store gift cards, ceramic guinea pigs, and embroidered cats all in the name of New Relationship Energy. Don’t go broke during NRE.
It’s important to understand and accept NRE because its intoxicating effect can influence thinking and behavior. For folks with little experience dating (and breaking up), like those of us who were led to believe you should meet your husband in young adulthood and be married by 25, NRE may not be a concept we understand at first. This may be particularly common for older generations who married or committed to a partner earlier in life. This doesn’t mean polyamory can’t be for elder millennials and Gen X and even (gasp) Boomers. But polyamory brings into question every relationship social construct we were taught. It requires us to constantly reflect and rise above what we were told was morally wrong and what feelings we should have. And that NRE green fairy can make rationally navigating polyamory hella difficult. It’s the third kind of heat in any relationship - like throwing delicious hot sauce on a dirty wound.
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Dave and I were monogamous inadvertently for about a year and a half during the COVID pandemic. That aspect of the pandemic was quite nice, actually. Polyamory is lovely, but it is certainly complex, and it was fun to have a little break from those complications for a while and bond over some new experiences with Dave. Still, when I started to talk to someone else in 2021, a friend of a friend, an artist named Elmer, it was very exciting - a rush of NRE for the first time in years. Elmer lived in Portland but visited LA often. Dave and I were living in Joshua Tree, and when Elmer visited LA, I drove 3 and a half hours to downtown LA to meet him.
Ok, so I don’t drive voluntarily. That’s for teens and men with penis-replacing hotrods.
I am a passenger. Driving multiple hours to meet a new human is something that I would normally try my best to get out of. Driving is scary enough, plus ensured social awkwardness? Shudder. But it often surprises folks, including Dave and my therapist, how much anxiety I can overcome for NRE. And while being addicted to NRE can be dangerous, its lure has also helped me get out of my shell and do things that normally give me anxiety, thus desensitizing and empowering me for the next time I need to do something adult, like talk to a human or drive a car. Because Elmer is such a delightful human with adorable kinks, I remain glad that I made that long drive - even though our NRE is long gone. Like most potent drugs, NRE has its benefits, for sure. Just imbibe with caution.
